My Dog Is Smart

My downstairs neighbor McCrochetypants has struck again.

I knew it would happen as soon as he found out we'd gotten a dog. McCrochetypants has been lying in wait, no doubt listening for any noise to complain about, for a few months now, so I was sure it was coming.

The other night, Stella and I were outside taking care of business when McCrochetypants came outside. Every other neighbor we've met out there has asked about her age and her name and given her a scratch behind the ears, but not him. Oh, no.

He glanced at my 4.5 lb. puppy, raised his eyebrows and said, "is that a pit bull?"

I was tempted to reply with simply, "sick 'im, Stella!"

"She's a boston terrier, you stupid idiot," I said. Alright, I left the "stupid idiot" part unspoken, but I certainly thought it. I don't expect him to know her breed right off the bat, but Stel looks nothing like a pit bull. Though I suspect I could have been out there with a collie and he would have asked the same question.

Yesterday, we were on our way outside again when my mom called. I continued chatting with her as I walked out, and I just so happened to be coming down the stairs past McCrochety's place when I mentioned to my mom that I have not yet heard Stella bark.

"I've heard her bark," McCrochety piped up, obviously not seeing (or caring) that I was both on the phone and on my way outside with the dog. "About 1:30 this morning. I was sleeping on the couch and heard this noise and thought, what was that?"

It's true, Stella had cried for a few minutes during that time, but the sound was nothing like barking, and it wasn't even that loud. I could barely hear her in my bedroom down the hall.

"She sometimes cries when we put her in her crate; we're trying to break her of the habit," I explained to my friendly neighbor.

"Yeah, well, it's annoying," he said.

Tempted as I was to give him a piece of my mind, I had already taken away enough time from my dog and my mom to talk to this jerk, so I simply reiterated that we're working on it and continued going outside.

I stewed about it all evening. Stella is a puppy, and sometimes puppies make noise. And considering the noise some dogs make, barking and yapping 24 hours a day, we all got off really easy with Stella, who only whines when she needs to go out and sometimes when we first put her in her crate. What does he want me to do -- muzzle her? Cut out her larynx? Get rid of her because she woke him up one time? Yeah, the crying is annoying; it's not what I want to hear in the middle of the night either, but it happens, and we deal with it.

I told my husband we should keep her awake all evening so she was good and rested and active overnight, then make sure she cries loudly so McCrochetypants can hear exactly how I feel when he says stupid things like that. Meanwhile, I had a whole speech prepared for my next run-in with my neighbor, a no-holds-barred, rip-him-a-new-one, kick-his-stupid-complaining-ass-
to-the-next-county kind of speech.

Stella had a better idea. When I took her out first thing this morning, she left a big, fragrant poo right outside of McCrochety's bedroom window.

It made me love her even more.