Too Fat Polka

Last night, I had an appointment with my trainer at the gym. It's been about a month since I had my first session, so I wanted to check my body fat to see if it had gone down at all. As luck would have it, some semi-beefy dude sitting at a table in the front asked me, as I walked in, if I wanted to measure my body fat. He seemed shocked when I told him, "yes, that was actually on my list of things to do today." He thought I was joking, and I think it threw him off a little. Later, when I did make a joke, he thought I was serious.

As it turned out, my body fat has gone down 1.5 percentage points since last month. My trainer and the head of training both said that's great, but Semi-Beefy Dude didn't seem to think so. He said next month I should try for another three percentage points, which the head of training told me -- right in front of Semi-Beefy -- is way too much. (The two also had differing opinions of ideal body fat. Semi-Beefy said 14-18 percent, the other guy said 18-21 percent. I've looked at a few charts, and it looks like Semi-Beefy is trying to get me into the "athletic" category, while the other guy wants me in the "fit" category. Or, Semi-Beefy thinks I am a man, since 14-18 percent is in the "fit" category for a man.)

S-B also told me that if I want to see better results, I ought to eat more protein. I'm not sure exactly what moved him to make that determination. He asked me, "how is your diet," and I told him, "it's pretty good but not great." Somehow, from that, he gleaned that I was not eating enough protein.

The thing is, he is probably right; I don't eat enough protein. And I'll bet that's pretty common, so maybe it's a natural assumption. But to look at the change in my body fat and immediately say "you need more protein" seemed a little strange. (He worked for the gym; he wasn't a protein powder salesman or anything.) I would have thought a more reasonable conclusion would be "you need less fat" or "you need to do harder workouts" or a half dozen other things besides, if he really thought my body fat loss wasn't enough. (That's when the joke came in. He said most people eat too many carbs, cereal for breakfast, sandwich for lunch, pasta for dinner, when we really should try to eat more chicken. I told him I often eat chicken for breakfast, and he didn't realize I was joking about that. He thought "yes, I'd like my body fat taken" was a joke, but "chicken for breakfast" sounded totally normal. Fitness makes people weird.)

As he lectured me on the benefits of protein, he was talking pretty fast, like he was giving a rehearsed speech. A lot of people at the gym talk like that, so I didn't take it personally. But it did annoy me, because in telling me what he thinks I need to do to get fit, he made me late for my training appointment.

When I was leaving the gym (after a really tough ab workout), a guy who looked like a tan version of Vin Diesel held the door for me and asked me how my workout had gone. I told him it was great and very challenging, and that I expected to see a flat stomach and six pack when I got home and looked in the mirror. (He also didn't realize I was joking. Maybe I need to work on my delivery. I realize these weren't hilarious jokes, but come on, even a polite smile would have been nice.) He proceeded to ask me how often I work out and tell me how often I should work out to get the results I want. (He did not, however, ask me what results I want.) I don't think the guy even worked at the gym; I don't remember seeing him there before. But maybe I looked like I needed the help.

Note to self: Do not wear "Please Give Me Unsolicited Advice" t-shirt to the gym anymore. And probably also do not wear long Nike running pants, as they apparently make me look fat, protein-deficient and possibly like a man.