Over the summer, I wrote about a woman at my gym, who attends a kickboxing class that takes place during the time I'm usually working out. I dubbed her The Shrieking Machine because, well, she shrieks. At the time, she was simply a thorn in my side, but over the past several months, she has become much, much more.
I have a tendency to let small things annoy me way too much if they continue too long. But I can't remember the last time something like this annoyed me quite this much. Partly because it's lasted so long and partly because it got worse.
She used to simply count down, but scream. The instructor would say something like, "jab...cross...knee," and she would respond with "AND THREEEEEEEEE!" Then, "jab...cross...knee," "AND TWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She even changed her inflection, so sometimes it was "AND TWWWOOOOOOOO??????" and sometimes it was "AND TWWWOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Then she started saying things other than the numbers, I guess because she didn't feel her mouth was getting enough of a workout. And after several months of listening to "KNEEEEEEE???????? KNEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! KNEEEEEEE???????? KNEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!" I was fed up. The gym is a noisy place -- cardio machines are going, music is pumping, the instructor is barking into his microphone, other members of the class counting down with him, but this woman's screaming sailed right over all of it. This was no normal gym noise. This was an alarm clock, an air horn and Gilbert Godfried all in one.
Once, I heard the instructor tell her, "more kicking, less shrieking," and a few times I could swear that he did more counting and yelling than normal in the hope that if he said things, she wouldn't. But it didn't stop. I tried avoiding the gym when I knew she would be there, but that took away two whole evenings, so mostly I've just gritted my teeth. But it's gotten to the point where just thinking about going gets me thinking about her and her shrieking. What could I do? Working out is supposed to relieve stress, not create it, and I was at my wit's end.
Last night, the whole time I was driving to the gym from work, I was dreading going in. I really wanted to work out, but could I stand the shrieking? All I wanted was one evening, just one evening, to work out in peace, but would I ever get it? As I entered the gym, the woman at the front desk said, "hello, how are you today," and I wasn't sure what to answer. I heard the familiar kickboxing music coming from the next room and steeled myself for what I would hear next.
But, lo, what was this? A female instructor, not the guy who usually teaches the kickboxing class. And what else? Students who counted down with the instructor, at a normal decibel level. Why, this seemed like any other class! The Shrieking Machine was not there! My prayers had been answered!
I don't know if the absence of the regular instructor had anything to do with the absence of the Shrieking Machine, but I think it might. He's a very energetic and demanding instructor, and his students always seem to enjoy working hard in his class. None of the other instructors seem to get that enthusiasm. So if she knew he wouldn't be there, she might have decided to skip. Or maybe it was a coincidence.
Whatever the case, I am thankful for the fact that I was finally able to get a decent workout. I suppose it is too much to expect her to not return, although a girl can dream. If she does come back, I'm not sure what I will do. Grit my teeth again? Maybe.
A parrot owner I know recommended shrieking back; apparently that is often effective. I'm not too loud, though, so I might just have to get a parrot of my own to take with me. I can train it to say "shut up, stupid lady," and, failing that, to peck out her voice box.
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