"I am a thief. I stole from Wal-Mart."
So reads the sign a judge in Alabama ordered two convicted shoplifters to wear in exchange for letting them out of jail sentences.
According to this story, one of the shoplifters claims her innocence, saying she was merely taking the $7 item to the service desk because it wouldn't scan. Whether or not that is true, it must be pretty embarrassing to have to stand outside of Wal-Mart wearing a sandwich board. Especially if you were also stupid enough to actually be guilty of shoplifting a $7 item from Wal-Mart.
The manager of the store thinks the sandwich boards will be a good deterrent for shoplifters. I'll say! I'd be embarrassed admitting to even shopping at the Wal-Mart in my town. To me, the lesson couldn't be clearer: If you're going to shoplift, do it from somewhere good, like Tiffany.
That story got me thinking about other creative ways to punish folks who break the laws -- whether they be actual laws or simply laws of decorum and good taste. Here are a few of my ideas.
Crime: Parking one's Hummer or Escalade or other very big vehicle in more than one parking space (either because they don't know how to park something that big or because they are afraid of someone parking in the next space and dinging the side of their very expensive vehicles).
Punishment: We smash their taillights and slash their tires. It's really for the safety of others -- whether these drivers are inept at driving these vehicles or just jerks, they probably drive on the roads like that too, expecting others to jump out of the way.
Crime: Blasting loud, bad music out of one's car (yesterday, I heard -- no joke -- "Tootsee Roll" coming from a car next to me).
Punishment: A Celine Dion CD that they are required to play at top volume, with the windows down, so all of their friends can see them. For repeat offenders, Anne Murray.
Crime: Making known one's personal business by talking loudly on cell phones in public places.
Punishment: A blast from one of those air horns people use at sporting events. For those who talk on their cell phones in public bathrooms, some very loud bathroom noises (I don't think I need to elaborate on that) so that the person they're talking to knows they're in the bathroom, and thinks they had fish tacos for lunch.
Crime: Referencing Seinfeld. Alright, so maybe this one is selfish, but I never liked that show and get so sick of having a seemingly normal conversation with someone, who then interjects some stupid Seinfeld quote that I don't get because I didn't watch the show and then turns a perfectly decent conversation to crap, because then we have to talk about Seinfeld.
Punishment: A conversation with someone who thought Everybody Loves Raymond was funny. And a DVD set of all 487 seasons of it.
3 comments:
There is nothing wrong with Anne Murray.
Spread your tiny wings and fly awaaaayyy
And take the snow back with you where it came from on that daaaayyyy
The one I love forever is untruuuueeee
And if I could you know that I would fly away with yoooouuuu!
I think instead of Anne Murray, it should be something particularly vile. Perhaps bad 70's and 80's one-hit-wonder love songs.
I'd like to see a little creative justice for people who think that being stopped behind a line of cars at a stop sign excuses them from stopping once they actually reach the stop sign. It's especially offensive when they proceed to honk and gesture angrily at other cars in the intersection, as though the drivers who actually had the right-of-way (and who had every expectation that said idiot would stop at his own stop sign) are inconveniencing them.
I'd like to see these people's cars rigged with a device that would not only stop the car automatically at every intersection (whether there's a stop sign or not), but also prevent the vehicle from moving until every other car in the intersection has gone. Furthermore, my miracle device would divert the car to the side of the road in the event that there were other vehicles waiting behind it, so that they had to wait until absolutely everyone was safely through the intersection. It would also be nice to have the device rigged with speakers and a recording of degrading statements (aimed at the driver, of course) that would play every time the vehicle stopped for the driver and everyone in the immediate area to hear.
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